Stuff I’d Buy If I Won The Lottery, Ranked

Because we know you’re all playing the LotteryBall tonight, Steve and I thought we’d put together a short list of what we plan to buy when we win tonight.

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Yes, I’ll have guacamole with that.
  2. The deluxe leather scriptures from Deseret Book
  3. Finally get some new garments
  4. Everton FC
  5. Heck, I’ll splurge and get Netflix AND Hulu
  6. Some Peppermint Bark from Williams-Sonoma
  7. Toner cartridges, even though a new printer would be cheaper
  8. An Ice-maker that outputs those little nuggets like what you get in the hospital
  9. A team of mercenaries to defend the family
  10. New Jersey
  11. Steve: New Jersey???
    Scott: Okay, Delaware
    Steve: I don’t want eastern seaboard states.  DAMAGED GOODS bro. How about Saskatchewan?
    Scott: Canada?
    Steve: No more grain storage, you’ve got a whole freaking province full o’ wheat?
    Scott: lol no.
    Steve: OK fine, we’ll buy Costa Rica.  Howler monkeys for everyone!
    Scott: Deal.
    Steve: I can’t wait to eat that monkey!

  12. Costa Rica.
  13. Finally get that original McNaughton I’ve been eyeing for the Ward foyer
  14. Meridian Magazine


  1. Would they really return your tithing money post lottery win or is this another Mormon myth? Windfall vs. Windows of Heaven. Think of the missionary opportunities before the camera explaining who exactly the winners known as the “Ward Council of Salt Lake City 298th Ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints” is. You can’t buy publicity like that…ironically when you could finally afford it.

  2. #6 – we call that “Sonic Ice”.. you can buy a bag of it as Sonic for a couple of bucks. It’s awesome.

  3. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    If they won’t take your tithing on the winnings, you could establish the Steve Evans School of Curelom and Cumom Studies at BYU.

  4. The Other Brother Jones says:

    I wonder about the tithing question, too.
    I would donate funds to build that church on the property the church already owns across the street from my house. I know this is not a big deal for you Utah Mormons, but…
    They have owned the property for about 3 years and nothing is happening!

    …and build a pedestrian overpass so I don’t have to wait for a break in traffic!

  5. The Other Brother Jones says:

    But I like the idea of Curelom and Cumom studies.

  6. If you think the Church wouldn’t accept $150 million in tithing (assuming you tried to pay on gross rather than net), then there are PLENTY of worthy charities in SLC and around the world who would be over the moon to accept 10% of your increase from winning the lottery.

  7. Steve and Scott — the next list might need to be charities to receive a portion of 10% of the winnings, ranked. Perhaps two sub-lists, one specific to SLC if a Mormon winner perhaps thinks that the “tithing” still needs to go to SLC even if the Church won’t accept it and then a second more general, international list.

  8. A Happy Hubby says:

    Are you aware that Howler monkeys love to fling their poo at you. Are you SURE that is what you want?

    And I heard from my mother in law a story about some RS president back about 40 years ago – back when you could walk to the gate without a ticket or the possibility of getting groped. She was from St. George and was in the Las Vegas airport waiting for someone on a delayed flight. She was so bored waiting that she finally decided to plop a quarter in a slot machine. She was horrified when she won $50K. She tried to pay tithing on it and the church would not accept it and she felt SO bad she couldn’t pay. Not sure if it is true, but I can picture it in my mind and find it funny.

  9. “11. Finally get some new garments” I know, right? Cuz shipping and handling!

  10. Should #5 read, “…THE FAMILY™”?

  11. The church accepts tithing from many saints dubious business deals and Ponzi schemes, I’m sure they’d have no problem accepting from lottery winnings

  12. My first post-mission job was working the main bank in a casino. Never had an issue paying tithing. Some people claimed that it was kosher to work in a casino as long as you didn’t touch those evil face cards or slot machines, but we had blackjack dealers in bishoprics, and the main slot machine boss was an EQ president.

    If your bishop balks at accepting lottery winnings, just donate on-line directly. Or, buy stock and donate the stock. Or buy stock, sell the same stock, and donate the money from the sale of your stock. There’s all sorts of ways to launder the money if you’re not laundering it to keep the guvvmint revenuers mitts off it.

  13. McNaughton for the ward foyer….bwahahahaha…best one on the list

    And yes, what Aaron said, #6 is Sonic Ice

  14. Rigel Hawthorne says:

    Re #11: I would have garments tailored by a reputable designer–some to fit like 2xist and some to fit like Under Armour with better waistbands and more comfortable fabrics. Some round neck garment shirts with wider and lower scoops so I could wear surgical scrubs without the entire hospital knowing my endowment status and ditto wearing sweaters that allow one end of the neck hole to always peak out of the neck of the sweater. I would have the tailor create thinner hems so the eternal smile is less visible and my knee hem doesn’t show through my slacks, mid-thigh, when sitting in a conference. AND above all, I would have the tailor design garments for my wife that are more comfortable, fashionable, and that she could wear with a little more self-satisfaction.

  15. Rigel Hawthorne says:

    I thought OUR ward had the original McNaughton???

  16. Kevin Barney says:

    If I won the Powerball, I wouldn’t tempt the Church to cave on its firmly held principles by offering it $150MM or so of tithing blood money. Rather, I would protect the Church’s principled stance by not even trying to tithe on my winnings. I assume as a result of this action (or rather inaction) I would immediately be elevated to GA, an honor I would be forced to decline, because with $1.5 billion burning a hole in my back pocket I would have better things to do than to fly to stake conferences every weekend.

  17. I’d buy the BYU football team and shut it down.

  18. Chieko Okazaki Center for Womens Studies gets my vote.

  19. Maebridge says:

    I would like to bare my testimony of the inspired and therefore authoritative rankings of this post. Just today my husband and I had the buy new toner or buy new printer conversation. We settled on just print things at his office, but upon reading this list a warm feeling came over me and I just know there is about a billion dollars and some new toner in our future!

  20. Lew Scannon says:

    I’d buy out Larry Krystkowiak’s contract and reschedule next year’s BYU game. Then I’d buy Frank Jackson back from Duke.

  21. Im so hoping #1 is just so that you can gut it, stuff it and hang it on ahook where no one else will ever be bothered by it’s “How blah blah is awesome PS buy my book” click bait again.

  22. @KB: Word.

  23. Kristine A says:

    Mark B: same

  24. I find it a little suspect that this thread was created by someone from Franklin County. Just trying to encourage the northward migration of more Utah money.

  25. Love this light-hearted post and comments, but scw, the Church gives tithes back from Ponzi-schemes, etc.. It goes to the victim funds.

  26. PS we could afford to fly Kevin Barney in for Gospel Doctrine classes.

  27. I’d buy property in Jackson County, Missouri and build the New Jersalem Casino and Resort.

  28. Oo! What will be your first Meriduan article? I can’t wait. And can I guest post once you are in charge? Right now, I can’t even comment there. They delete my comments.

  29. Buy Delaware, it’s tax-free shopping!

    Also, seriously, buy Everton and make some big splash signings.

  30. “The church accepts tithing from many saints dubious business deals and Ponzi schemes, I’m sure they’d have no problem accepting from lottery winnings.”

    Please stop throwing out such claims casually. I work in white-collar investment regulation and know from personal experience that although the Church cannot prevent all such monies from coming into its coffers in the first place, it is very willing to cooperate fully with law enforcement and to err on the side of paying disputed amounts into the registry of the court to determine their future status.

    As to the OP, do you think that buying the entire state of Missouri would hasten the Second Coming?

  31. Buying most of Florida doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

  32. RDT2–

    Equally tempting: Buy the Other Lot and drive them into financial ruin and relegation.

  33. Dont worry if the church won’t let you tithe in the actual winnings but I bet they would accept tithing on the accrued interest or investment income which may result from the winnings because you know that is *different*.

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