Things About Candy That Make Me Mad, Ranked

It’s been a long time since we ranked stuff! I apologize for that! With our ranking muscles kind of flabby, Steve and I had a pretty hard time ranking stuff today. Here are some of our failed efforts before we finally found our stride today:

  • Things That I’m Stressed About, Ranked

  • Television Shows You Like That Really Aren’t Great, Ranked
  • TV Shows/Movies You Liked 15 Years Ago, But Are Afraid To Rewatch Because They Probably Suck, Ranked
  • Freezer Desserts, Ranked
  • Stuff I Ate For Breakfast Today That I’m Ashamed Of, Ranked
  • Ranking Suggestions That Didn’t Make it Past #8 Today, Ranked

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. The way a little bit of chocolate always sticks to the paper wrapping around peanut butter cups
  2. The way M&Ms won’t leave well enough alone and makes gross stuff like pretzel varieties, and then my kids want them and think they’re good
  3. Too many yellow Skittles
  4. It is just too dang hard to unwrap a Starburst
  5. When a peanut butter cup slightly melts and becomes an awful hellbeast
  6. When a peanut butter cup has been sitting in your desk drawer since Halloween, and you eat it anyway and the peanut butter is basically powder
  7. When peanut butter cups demand the priesthood
  8. When Easter comes along, and you eat a peanut butter egg, and you realize that Big PB Cup has been screwing you over with the regular ones they sell all year
  9. When this Family Size bar just is not enough to Defend the Family
  10. The way some people think creme eggs aren’t gross.

Comments

  1. Scott B. says:

    In case anyone wants to know, the entries for the failed lists include (in no particular order):

    10. Quantum Leap
    10. That Kit-Kat ain’t gonna eat itself
    10. Studio C
    10. Popsicle (Grape)
    10. Sheet cake
    9. Scotcharoos

  2. Thomas Parkin says:

    Yeah. I always buy family size because, duh, family.

    Thanks for this. I always find it helpful when someone tells me what to think. My only criticism would be that too many items on the list only hint at what I should do. Don’t be afraid to tell me what to do.

  3. I like to think we’re stressed about Quantum Leap. How is Sam ever going to leap home???

  4. Steve G. says:

    How ’bout calling candy bars “fun size” but really they are just really small.

  5. The little broken bits that go everywhere when you open up a Bit O Honey*.
    * The One Candy Mighty and Strong

  6. When Junior Mints get smashed and then cling to the inside of the box in a gooey mess so you have to cut it open with scissors to finish them off.

  7. Aaron Brown says:

    Hey, did you guys see that one YouTube video where Brad Levin ordained a Three Musketeers bar to the Aaronic priesthood? It was pretty scandalous.

  8. Peanut butter cups are nasty no matter what they do or how you eat them and without regard to egg shape! This assertion is equally authoritative. You have likely seen how general authorities eat them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDPi4buduY0 In addition to their public disagreements on how it is to be done, the deeper question is why would anyone eat them at all?

  9. Oh man I hate it when Junior Mints do that.

  10. Jenny G says:

    I’m not nearly as mad about yellow Skittles as I am about the green skittles flavor change. “Apple.” Yeah, okay.
    Also, you’re wrong about Starburst being hard to unwrap; I can do it with my mouth in like 4 seconds. It’s what Beehives used to do for fun before Snapchat.

  11. I’m simply appalled that my favorite to hate missed the cut — when the wrapper stays the same and the chocolate inside shrinks.

  12. I hate that they make white chocolate versions of anything. But especially white chocolate peanut butter cups. That’s not okay.

  13. Steve G. says:

    I hate that 80% of starbursts are orange and yellow. Luckily we can buy Starburst Reds now. I can only imagine the orange and yellow count has increased in the original package as a result though.

  14. JeannineL says:

    Grrrr. Those “green apple” Skittles. We USED to mix our Skittles into fun “fruit” flavored combinations, and Lime Ricky (green and purple) was the BEST. And second best was Cherry Lime. Also making the rankings was Lemon Lime.

    The good times are over.

  15. Kevin Barney says:

    I hate Bit-O-Honey for its mere existence.

  16. Last Lemming says:

    When Milk Duds manage to separate my tooth from its crown.

    When Marzipan bars are impossible to find in the US.

    That anybody thinks that coconut can somehow be redeemed by covering it with chocolate.

    That those Tootsie Rolls my kids occasionally leave under the dining room table look just like…Uh, never mind.

  17. Last Lemming says:

    And you should totally do the old TV show thing. I’m curious what you would do with the Cosby Show, which didn’t suck, but everybody’s afraid to rewatch it anyway.

  18. I hate how sucker sticks stick sucked into the carpet.

    Do I get bonus points for chiasmus?

  19. Probably not, though it is evidence of your comment’s ancient origins.

  20. Random candy story from the weekend: my nephew was choosing candy from the candy bowl and couldn’t tell whether the candy kisses or the little chocolate eggs had more chocolate mass, so melted them each in identical glasses. The kiss won and so that’s what he chose from then on. And doesn’t this story make you long for when candy experiments were so very important.

  21. Left Field says:

    1. That first person who imagined that it could possibly be a good idea to put peanut butter in candy.

  22. Left Field says:

    I had a mission companion who couldn’t get over his contempt for 3 Musketeers. “It’s just a Milky Way bar without the caramel,” he would sputter through clenched teeth.

    Okay. What if I *want* a Milky Way bar without the caramel?

  23. larryco_ says:

    Mars bars that are actually from Venus
    Milky Way bars that are actually Andromeda Bars
    Baby Ruth bars that are actually Louie Gehrig bars

    …it’s all ’bout truth in advertising.

  24. I actually prefer the orange and yellow Skittles. I think the pink ones are teh nasty. Same for Starburst. And I agree that the flavor change for green Skittles is a crime against nature.

  25. MDearest says:

    Yeah, dental work challenges. Black jellybeans. Avocado flavored candy.

    Dark chocolate m&ms were the one true candy, but they aren’t on the market anymore. You can’t fake dark chocolate like you can milk chocolate.

  26. “Green Apple” Skittles are unforgivable. Makes the whole pack inedible.

  27. I don’t like that they call that pale coating “white chocolate.” If it doesn’t have cocoa in it, it isn’t chocolate! And I don’t like that we can’t buy UK candy in US Walmarts. I couldn’t possibly pop Whoppers into my mouth after having discovered Maltesers.

  28. Last Lemming says:

    That Babe Ruth gets his own candy bar (even if they misspelled his nickname), while Sadaharu Oh and Henry Aaron have to share one.

  29. When you get excited about finding a chocolate, but it turns out to be Palmers instead.

  30. cancer of the zagnuts

  31. That’s really sad.

  32. Left Field says:

    2. That first person who imagined that it could possibly be a good idea to put coffee in candy.

    This has nothing to do with the word of wisdom. It has to do with candy that tastes like coffee.

  33. Raisins. Raisins are not candy no matter how much chocolate you coat them in.