Ranking stuff in sets of 10 seems normal and natural for us now, but that’s because we have thousands of years of conditioning that all started with the very first list of Stuff, Ranked–the 10 Commandments. Since Moses went up the mountain, mankind has continually ranked things in sets of 10 (though most of these rankings are non-authoritative and therefore wrong). But you probably didn’t even know that the 10 Commandments were actually the result of a negotiation between God and Moses; God wanted to give more commandments; Moses didn’t want to carve too much stuff in rocks. That’s right, folks–the 10 Commandments are just a compromise of divine counsel and human laziness. Had Moses not been so adamant, we would have had a much longer list of commandments, and the history of ranking stuff would have been fundamentally different. Steve and I aren’t sure exactly how many commandments were in the original draft, but we know it was at least 21. We also don’t know whether revealing these missing commandments causes them to be binding on all mankind for the rest of eternity.
As always, these rankings are authoritative.
- Covet not the fruit flavored gum of thy neighbor, for behold, it is gross
- Thou shalt not purchase, eat, or condone the manufacture, sale, or consumption of Double Stuf Oreos
- Thou shalt not ask Me to bless your dessert to nourish or strengthen your body
- Behold, the roll of toilet paper shall be placed OVER, not under
- Thou shalt not leave an empty cereal box in the cupboard
- Thou shalt not poke the bear, neither the bear thou findest in the woods nor thine Trump-supporting Father-in-law
- Before lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three
- Behold, EQ lessons are given for thy rest, and thou shalt not be ashamed to nap during the course thereof
- Thou shalt not eat the biggest piece of bread from the Sacrament tray, unless it the only piece left, or is mostly crust, or you’re really hungry
- Defend thine Family, lo, even if thou hast not a clue as to what that doth entail
- Remember Taco Tuesday, to keep it spicy
As an honorable mention, but one that is actually a pretty good commandment: show genuine love to LGBTQ brothers and sisters, forever.