Rough Draft Commandments, Ranked

Ranking stuff in sets of 10 seems normal and natural for us now, but that’s because we have thousands of years of conditioning that all started with the very first list of Stuff, Ranked–the 10 Commandments. Since Moses went up the mountain, mankind has continually ranked things in sets of 10 (though most of these rankings are non-authoritative and therefore wrong). But you probably didn’t even know that the 10 Commandments were actually the result of a negotiation between God and Moses; God wanted to give more commandments; Moses didn’t want to carve too much stuff in rocks. That’s right, folks–the 10 Commandments are just a compromise of divine counsel and human laziness. Had Moses not been so adamant, we would have had a much longer list of commandments, and the history of ranking stuff would have been fundamentally different. Steve and I aren’t sure exactly how many commandments were in the original draft, but we know it was at least 21. We also don’t know whether revealing these missing commandments causes them to be binding on all mankind for the rest of eternity.

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Covet not the fruit flavored gum of thy neighbor, for behold, it is gross
  2. Thou shalt not purchase, eat, or condone the manufacture, sale, or consumption of Double Stuf Oreos
  3. Thou shalt not ask Me to bless your dessert to nourish or strengthen your body
  4. Behold, the roll of toilet paper shall be placed OVER, not under
  5. Thou shalt not leave an empty cereal box in the cupboard
  6. Thou shalt not poke the bear, neither the bear thou findest in the woods nor thine Trump-supporting Father-in-law
  7. Before lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three
  8. Behold, EQ lessons are given for thy rest, and thou shalt not be ashamed to nap during the course thereof
  9. Thou shalt not eat the biggest piece of bread from the Sacrament tray, unless it the only piece left, or is mostly crust, or you’re really hungry
  10. Defend thine Family, lo, even if thou hast not a clue as to what that doth entail
  11. Remember Taco Tuesday, to keep it spicy

As an honorable mention, but one that is actually a pretty good commandment: show genuine love to LGBTQ brothers and sisters, forever.

Comments

  1. Thanks for a good laugh in the middle of a tough day. Gotta love BCC.

  2. In re 15: I have it on good authority you can count to two, but only if you do so as a precursor to then continuing on to three. But five is right out.

  3. Terry H says:

    I think this draft was delivered by swallows. (They were initialed by a guy named “Tim”)

  4. The Anon One says:

    Isn’t there a youtube clip somewhere of “Moses” carrying down the 15 commandments until he drops one of the 3 tablets, at which point it becomes the 10 commandments?

    In 2016, is it acceptable for me to publish under my real name the joke my Jewish friend told me about the 10 commandments that may or may not make fun of Jews, the French, and barbarians?

  5. If humans only had three fingers and a thumb on each hand, would we have ten commandments or eight? (For that matter, would we use base-eight numbers? I think we might!)

  6. Mel Brooks, anon. History of the World Part II.

  7. *Moses descends mountain*

    “Good news folks, I talked him down to ten. Bad news, adultery stays.”

  8. I bear my testimony that Oreos started to skimp on the filling sometime between 1995 and 2000, and therefore you have to buy Double Stuf just to enjoy a comparable amount of filling to what existed inside of regular Oreos when you were a kid. Amen.

  9. No, it should be under not over and double stuff Oreos are awesome.

  10. Terry H says:

    The Anon One. You can give us your joke, but only if its in Hebrew, French or a barbarous language. Then whether its PC or not won’t matter.

  11. The entire American Oreo family is in a state of open apostasy. Canadian Oreo’s are the only true and living Oreo.

  12. Jessie. That kind of intellectual doggerel is not welcome here. “Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness.”

  13. I believe in a God who can celebrate dessert, so 19 must be a misquote. 18 is Law. Everything else strikes me as negotiable. But I’m a sinner.

  14. Daniel Smith says:

    Rev. 3: 16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.

    Oreo Mega Stuf it is then.

  15. larryco_ says:

    #20 is so right on. Why waste money on Double Stuf when the advances of 21st century technology – probably supplied to us by aliens – allowed the development of MEGA Stuf Oreos! One bite and your mouth explodes with creamy, starchy, sugary ecstasy.

  16. The Anon One says:

    Here’s the short version of the joke. God was offering the commandments to various peoples. The barbarians said they’d pass when they saw “thou shalt not kill”. For the French, “thou shalt not commit adultery” was the deal breaker (also, not coveting thy neighbor’s wife, thy neighbor’s um, *donkey*, and especially thy neighbor’s wife’s *donkey* was also going to be a deal breaker). For the Jews, once they found out they were free, they said “We’ll take 10 of them please”.

  17. RE: 19

    Does blessing one’s vegetables, fruit, and whole grains really require divine intervention? That is not a prayer of faith. But calling down the powers of heaven to bless one’s Double Stuf Oreos to the tune of bodily strength and nourishment? Now that is a prayer of faith.

  18. Chadwick says:

    Personally I’m a huge fan of the new Oreo thins. Given they are a relatively new way to sin, how does one update such commandments in a 21st century context?

  19. laserguy says:

    Asking God to protect you from the anti nutrients in grain is liking asking Him to protect you from am alligator while you swim in a pond in Florida at night… Phytic acid is bad for you…

  20. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    …too soon, laserguy.

  21. Left Field says:

    All cream-filled sandwich cookies shall be vanilla or lemon. Chocolate sandwich cookies shall be an abomination unto you.