Forms of Being Broke, Ranked

Apparently there are some super-boring videos on the YoobTube these days in which some LDS Church leaders are overhead using the term “Church Broke.” This has inevitably led to much speculation about the true meaning of the term, and Steve and I decided the time was right to seek revelation on the matter. Unfortunately, the inspiration didn’t clarify the phrase in question, but instead just highlighted many other forms of being Broke that we humans are likely to encounter during our mortal sojourn.

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Whedon (“No, seriously! I loved Age of Ultron”)
  2. Apple (“Stop saying that Apple made the iPhone bigger and then smaller and then bigger and then smaller and then rounded and then squared and then rounded!”)
  3. Android (“Seriously, it’s so great to be on an open platform!”)
  4. Canada (“Our healthcare system is great!”)
  5. Utah (“This place is totally diverse!”)
  6. Stake (“I love sitting in a dark chapel on Saturday afternoon in my church clothes while someone shows powerpoints about trends in home teaching reporting!”)
  7. Nintendo (Seriously it’s sad when your Nintendo breaks.)
  8. Mission (“Maybe we should just go tracting, I guess?”)
  9. Carmex (Ever notice that if you use Carmex regularly then stop suddenly, your lips basically turn into withered husks and die?)
  10. Defend the Family (“The world is trying to destroy my family. Yes, mine in particular. In fact, my marriage is worth less now because two men got married.”)
  11. Financial (“Let’s pay 11% this month!”)


Rejected Entries:
Steve: 2. In N Out Burger (“I swear, I like the fries!”)
Scott B.: fries are fine; it’s the shakes that only broken people will defend
Steve: Their fries are gross and their milkshakes are – fine –
Scott B.: smdh. Those shakes are disgusting
Steve: Not good shakes, but – fine –
Scott B.: not fine. terrible
Steve: Do you like milkshakes normally?
Scott B.: yes! Honestly, their shakes are the only shakes I’ve ever had where I truly regretted it
Steve: Huh
Scott B.: their fries are great if they are fresh. they just decay at an exponetial rate. So if you eat in-store, they’re fine. if you get take-out, they’re awful.
Steve: I see their fries as their true Achilles heel. Even fresh they are bland and chalky.


  1. I would describe In-N-Out’s milkshakes as “inexplicably gummy.”
    Solid list. Well ranked.

  2. In-n-Out fries are.good (fresh), but only if you really, really love potatoes.

  3. Aaron Brown says:

    You’re so right about the milkshakes.

    Aaron B

  4. My Idaho roots show whenever I eat In-N-Out fries and I turn into Sally at Katz Delicatessen. I may have been escorted out of the restaurant a time or two.

  5. Steve is bland and chalky.

  6. Just ask for the fries well-done. Duh.

  7. Thomas Parkin says:

    re: milkshakes. Sugar is SATANIC. Obviously the contributors to this blog are not reading the current scientific literature on milkshakes and sugar.

  8. None of this makes any sense.

  9. Hawkgrrrl says:

    I would love to see E. Gong present to the brethren on the various rankings of milkshakes.

  10. “Honestly, their shakes are the only shakes I’ve ever had where I truly regretted it”

    Clearly, Scott has never had a milkshake from White Castle.

  11. davidferg says:

    This is a classic example of the kind of blog-based heresy that the Brethren warn against. Leave In-and-Out alone. I know that their milkshakes and fries are true…

  12. Speaking as a born and raised Southern Californian, In-n-Out is, well, fine. I mean, you can find worse burgers and fries, and you can find them pretty easily, but it takes almost no effort to find far better.

    Along those lines, actually, you could probably replace In-n-Out-broke with Cafe Rio-broke. Because it’s basically the same thing—you can certainly find worse pretend Mexican, but it’s not that hard to find better, and anybody who insists CR is like the best thing ever is deluding themselves.

  13. Hawkgrrrl says:

    I question whether there is worse pretend Mexican food than Cafe Rio. To me, it ranks pretty low, both in terms of its ability to pretend to be Mexican food, and it’s ability to improve upon Mexican food.

  14. Now you guys are just trolling.

  15. Moe’s is worse.

  16. I had a bishop tell me that I should pay 11%. Tithing 10% and fast offering 1%. It sure as poop broke me.

  17. Brad Pitt broke.

  18. I don’t want this to go to your head, guys; but these BCC Top Ten lists may be among the top ten posts in the bloggernacle. In fact, they may justify the bloggernacle’s existence.

  19. I know this is meant to be an amusing post, but there were some issues I had with what was on the released videos. I was hoping they would be addressed somewhere in a fair and rational manner.
    1) the whole idea of Church broke and especially its application to politics.
    2) the idea that singles do not date in their singles wards and therefore it is not a problem to age them out at 30. Was not true in California. The only safe way to meet members was in the singles ward. Dances attracted predators.
    3) The lack of followup questions when Elder Gong presented on possible brain injury affecting responsibility. I have spent too much time in singles wards to not realize the serious impact mental illness plays in the lives of some members. This was a short presentation and more could have been addressed elsewhere but I would like to see it.

    4) Elder Oakes seeing a homosexual agenda in Chelsea Manning and Elder Oakes’ suspicions of the press. Not a healthy attitude toward either the press or the needs of our gay members.
    5) The senator fawning over the GAs. His willingness, I think, to reveal classified material to them. The question about rebuilding the Republican Party instead of focusing on the serious issues facing the country.
    I realize these were short informational presentations and represent only a fraction of the work done, but I was disappointed in some of what I heard, although pleased with the others and the serious planning and discussion and empathy shown. I also realize that the work of these men is rightly focused on moral issues and the questions focus on their concerns as church leaders.

  20. Rigel Hawthorne says:

    Ponderizing T-shirt salesman broke

  21. Eric Russell says:

    Cafe Rio is the best fast serve food in the country, straight up. I live in Virginia, 45 minutes away from the nearest Cafe Rio and I go almost every week. Whenever I meet someone who hasn’t had it, I introduce them. It’s a great missionary tool, btw. Inevitably, they will say, “This food is amazing! How did you find this place?” And that’s when I say, “The manna before you comes from the mountains of Deseret, the land of my forefathers.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s