Things Mormons Would End Up Doing in Westworld, Ranked

Do you watch Westworld? I don’t, but Steve does and he says it’s great and he’s never wrong (I guess?). It’s about a place where there are human-looking robots that are available for people to hunt or kill or do whatever to without consequence. SOUNDS FUN. Even though visits to this place aren’t technically forbidden by the TR questions, it seems pretty clear that it’s not a place for the devout Latter-day Saint. But would a Mormon even have fun there, anyway? Steve and I considered this question, and the answer heavily depends on what you’d call “fun.”

As always, these rankings are authoritative.

  1. Make the robots do my home teaching.
  2. Organize an intricate reproduction of various scenes from The Great Brain.
  3. Kill a robot so that you can hold a funeral so that you can eat funeral potatoes.
  4. Trek, except the fake baby that dies in the night is a hyper-realistic one whose passing that will haunt the youth for the rest of their lives.
  5. Leave pass-along cards at robotsexmurder brothels.
  6. Baptize every last one of them suckers.
  7. Two words: Road. Show.
  8. A nap. A good, long nap.
  9. Make the robots form a perimeter around The Family.
  10. Let’s face it, a lot of you weirdos are going to go full polygamist out there and it’s shameful and how was it?


Rejected Entries:
*Watch the robots discover robot plates and start a robot church which gets all sorts of robotic persecution.
*Sit back and watch as the robots set up chairs for Stake Conference.
*A pinewood derby where you can kill every other participant if it looks like their robot dad helped them.
*Probably just read the scriptures.
*Vote for Hillary.


  1. Joel Wakefield says:

    This post gets my undying admiration for the simple fact of a Great Brain reference.

  2. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Start a robot MLM scheme.

  3. Robot MLM is an obvious choice. Stunned we missed it.

  4. PassTheChips says:

    When asked a question in EQ, the robot starts with, “On my mission ..”

  5. Have them teach Sunday School and see if anyone even notices a difference?

  6. Hear, hear to the Great Brain comment. Currently re-reading the series, ha!

  7. Rigel Hawthorne says:

    Visit “the little factory”

  8. Drat, robot MLM!!

    Also, little factories? Rigel pull your head out of the gutter!

  9. What happens when the workforce at the little factory unionizes? Does a mediator from the NLRB have to come in? What if the shareholders decide to shut it down and move production to Malaysia?

  10. How about an electric monk — a labor saving device that saves you the onerous task of believing all of the things the world expects you to believe. Faulty ones can even believe things they’d have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City.

  11. Pretty witty, Dave

  12. This made me laugh harder than I am comfortable admitting. I would go just to be a visiting GA bringing a message from SLC that we now have 90 minute church block on Sundays. The love and admiration from the robo-Mormons would be too good to pass up.

  13. Dave,
    Maybe robots could be used to try every possible orientation to get the sofa around the corner in the stairwell.

  14. Steve, I cannot take credit for it. The wit is all Douglas Adams. I just paraphrased.

  15. (I know)

  16. Pretty sure the Mormons would be eyeballing everyone for garment lines and BYU gear. Also, they would shoot dead all sorts of robot hosts but feel guilty for gazing wistfully at the saloons and brothels.

  17. Live action MMM reenactment. Sheesh. Too soon. I’ll see myself out.

  18. TGB FTW

  19. “… to hunt or kill or do whatever to without consequence.”

    This whatever you speak of sounds interesting. Tell me more about that.

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