Presses, Ranked

Do you have an idea, but you’re so slow in getting around to it that you feel sort of stupid continuing it? But you also can’t convince yourself to let it go, so you do it anyway? That’s sort of how I feel right now. A few weeks ago, Steve and I decided that the Time Was Right for a ranking of all the important types of presses in this world. It was an appropriate revelation to seek, given the other announcement around that time. But shortly after we received our inspiration, disaster struck–things at work went crazy and caused me all manner of stress and distractions, and our once-timely ranking was forgotten. By me, anyway. But Steve never forgets. He never, ever forgets, people.

As always, these rankings are authoritative.
Steve: Presses, ranked.
Scott: brb, 15 min
Steve: k fine

    1. Garlic

Scott: (that’s all I’ve got)

    1. Bench

Steve: (here, this will help – )

    1. Alternative
    2. Full-court

Scott: I seriously can’t think of anything else.
Steve: #1 is Panini for sure
Scott: What is a panini press? Just a pair of hot pieces of metal?
Steve: SCOTT.
Scott: I don’t subscribe to the Williams-Sonoma catalogue like you, STEVE
Steve: You don’t have to subscribe to appreciate their fine kitchen electrics. Just look at this fine panini press. Look at it! You cannot make a bad sandwich with this.
Scott: Come for the peppermint bark ($29.99 + S&H), stay for the Panini Press ($239.99 + S&H)
Steve: Dang now I want a panini
Scott: Holy balls that machine is the biggest waste of money on Earth

    1. Shoulder
    2. Along

Steve: Put your shoulder to the wheel)… scratch that, it’s not press along, it’s forward
Scott: It’s actually “Push”
Steve: Press Forward Saints, which is just good advice for the cassette tape era Saints
Scott: Well, that’s a totally different lyric than “shoulder to the wheel”
Steve: Almost as good as the follow-up hymn, “Be Kind Rewind Saints”

    1. Expositor

Steve: (too soon?)
Steve: You’re still thinking about how expensive that panini press was, but I am telling you that your sandwich game needs an uplift.
Scott: I’m telling you that I could make a hot sandwich without an idiotic machine like that
Steve: LIAR!

    1. Wine, single-passenger (Isaiah 63:3)
    2. Corp, White House

Steve: wtf #2 was gonna be bcc press, jerkface
Scott: I wasn’t feeling this list to begin with, but the panini press just took whatever air was left right out of it
Scott: Okay, I withdraw #2. But now we need a #1
Scott: Okay, then you need a #8 or whatever.
Steve: Do you hate paninis?!
Scott: I like the idea of a panini more than I like the taste of most panini. Most paninis I’ve had were overly greasy and gross.
Steve: My friend you have missed out
Scott: You cannot improve on the grilled cheese sandwich, so why bother?
Steve:  !?!?!?!
Scott: FACT
Steve: I hope you are posting this thread because the public is going to rip you to shreds. #8 can be French press, for the coffee-drinkers. This will go down as a landmark ranking.
Scott: Every time I eat a panini, I think, “Wow, do you know what would be better than this? If we took the same sandwich, removed all the spinach, artisan cheese, pasty-white-red unripe roma tomatoes, and all the other bull-crap, replaced it all with 2 slices of Kraft American Singles, and served it with a cup of tomato soup.” THAT’S WHAT I THINK
Steve: Oh Scott.

  1. Grilled Cheese Sandwich


  1. Damn you Bosworth

  2. Scott B. says:

    Go make yourself a $300 panini with your electric device that serves no other purpose in life, Evans.

  3. JamesM says:

    The emperor is most displeased with your lack of vision

  4. Gutenberg. Come on. Now I have to go drown my befuddlement with a mortadella panini.

  5. Scott B. says:

    Pfft. “Oh, so you think that you can’t cook other things outside of a panini with a panini press? WELL. Watch me take all of the panini ingredients and cook them one by one in the same press. SEE?!?”


  6. The wife and I have the Breville panini press and it’s awesome, because paninis are awesome. I will not hear you disparage it.

  7. Olde Skool says:

    Dudes, you’re killing me here. You can’t have “a panini,” and “paninis” isn’t even a word.

    (This pedantry brought to you by “academic press.” Represent!)

    (Also #3 FTW.)

  8. I didn’t know Steve glutenberg liked paninis but I bet he makes a good sandwich

  9. JamesM says:

    You’ve had cornish game hens, scrambled eggs, and/or uncooked bacon in a panini sandwich before? That’s just not right, Scott.

  10. You forgot press-ure to defend the family.

  11. Happy Hubby says:

    And don’t forget the comPRESS

    I am getting hungry

  12. Your food allergy is fake says:

    Jurgen Klopp’s gegenpress ftw.

  13. justme says:

    What about Trump’s “fake” press? Anything the president of the free world tweets about weekly deserves a top 5 spot.

  14. Aaron Brown says:

    What is this website anyway? It makes no sense that this even exists.

  15. Scott B. says:

    Your food allergy is fake:

    Get your Red Shite out of here. This is Blue country.

  16. Scott B. says:

    Demonstrating that a panini press is capable of cooking a foodstuff does not support the notion that you should cook that foodstuff in a panini press. It’s two sheets of hot metal. Can you shove stuff between them? SURE. Will that stuff be exposed to heat, and therefore, get cooked? SURE. Is it a meaningful improvement over any number of other methods (like, say, a pan you already own) that doesn’t cost hundreds of dollar? NO.

  17. My husband owning a panini press prior to our marriage almost made me rethink the whole deal. Two cast iron pans is all you need.

  18. Angela C says:

    Steve is a SkyMall marketer’s dream.

  19. Aussie Mormon says:

    Empress (dynasty of your choosing).

  20. I heart SkyMall

  21. kevinf says:

    We use our panini press to grill hash browns. Just sayin.

  22. kevinf: I’m going to try that!

  23. your food allergy is fake says:

    Scott: I am not surprised.
    Everton = kraft fake cheese sandwich on fake white bread
    LFC = pastrami Reuben on rye

  24. John Mansfield says:

    The authority to rank things has raced, I think, ahead of the power to do so.

  25. If you ask me, I’ve heard of a press called “BCC,” and I’d be willing to put more money behind that than a grilled cheese press ;)

  26. CS Eric says:

    pro tip: you can make a Panini with a waffle iron. Courtesy Alton Brown

  27. larryco_ says:

    .Ex press
    .Im press
    .Re press
    .Em press
    .De press
    .Decom press
    .Op press

    I’m sure I could think of more, but I have a pressing engagement.


  28. hydraulic

    (one swear in this video. but watch his whole channel.)

  29. Left Field says:

    on in the Work of the Lord, Let us All
    Detroit Free
    Plant press (nobody here has worked in a herbarium?)

  30. press agent
    press box
    press secretary (Spicer?)
    The Great DePression
    metal press
    machine press
    hydraulic press
    hydro-pneumatic press
    freedom of the press

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