Distilled, Pure Knowledge

We try to give you not just milk around here, but MEAT. Scott and I had a conversation which, following prayerful reflection, we decided was fit to be shared with you. Do not make us regret sharing these pearls.

Steve: Scott, are you there, I need to have an important conversation with you.

Scott: lo, i am with you always

Steve: ok, so I read a piece by Drew Magary in which he makes the case that you should not bone a vampire. Here’s the question, though, Scott: is it better to be a vampire, or a pirate, because I am troubled by the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Scott: Q: Is it better to be a vampire or a pirate?

A: Is the vampire like Angel or Spike? Or it is like a lame flunky who gets staked by Buffy? Or is it like something worse–like Nosferatu? You know what? I withdraw my questions. Vampires may have their problems, but pirates all die of syphilis.

Steve: Pirates are hella gross. Have you ever seen Johnny Depp?

Scott: They’re not called scurvy dogs for nothing!

Steve: Poor hygiene across the board, bad nutrition, poor grammar, and then there’s the scarves. The SCARVES! Look, I’ve been on boats. Sailing. You do not want to be wearing flowy scarves, man.

Scott: Also, you do not want to be sailing all the dang time.

Steve: I think being undead and feasting on human blood is somewhat preferable to having bad hair and wearing scarves while talking about the Jolly Roger.


Steve: The Caribbean? It’s nice. I’ll give you that.

Scott: Mosquitoes, hurricanes, and heat. You can keep it.

Steve: I was trying to make a counterpoint, but yes I agree the Caribbean can go. I suppose not being able to walk in the sun is a downside of being a vampire, but frankly that’s just good skincare.


  1. Aaron Brown says:

    I didn’t feel the spirit while reading this post.

    Aaron B

  2. I still think Depp is just channeling the immortal Peter Ustinov in “Blackbeard’s Ghost”

    I don’t know why anyone would choose to be a vampire if it included sparkling in the sun.

  3. Whoah, I’m gonna have to sit with this one for a while.

  4. Marrying a vampire or a pirate is a form of apostasy.

  5. We’re still talking about pirates and vampires in the year of our Lord two thousand and seventeen? Did I get sucked into 2009?

  6. D Christian Harrison says:

    Aaron: when, really, was the last time you felt the Spirit?

  7. Talon,

    Marrying a vampire is endorsed by Mormon Scripture.*

    *Twilight was written by a Mormon, and is considered scripture by a surprising number of poeple, so its Mormon scripture. QED!

  8. Nepos,

    I’ll only be persuaded if vampires and/or pirates make an appearance in the Work and the Glory series. In the mouths of two or three witnesses, etc., etc.

  9. These aren’t mutually-exclusive options. If you’re already a vampire, just buy yourself a dinghy and a Jolly Roger, and voila! you’re a vampire pirate. Best of both worlds.

  10. Hope Wiltfong says:

    You guys are great. Thanks for sharing.

  11. Kevin Barney says:

    I’d rather french kiss a pirate than have to sit through the latest Pirates of the Caribbean again. What a mess of a movie.

  12. Guaranteed there is a romance novel out there somewhere about a vampire-pirate. Seems unlikely there is one written by a Mormon though, which means all such creatures are false doctrine. Or fake news. Definitely one or the other.

  13. Aussie Mormon says:

    Where do werewolves fit into this discussion?

  14. Aussie, werewolves don’t exist, don’t be ridiculous.

  15. Marrying a werewolf is a counterfeit relationship.

  16. The real question is which would feel more welcome if they visited sacrament meeting.

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