Upgrades the Church Should Totally Go For Now That Everyone Knows We’re Loaded, Ranked.

As you likely have heard by now, the Church recently published an explainer of how it uses its funds. You should read it! Mormon Leaks also released info showing that the Church has a butt-load of investments and cash on hand (SHOCKER!). In any case, Steve and I were talking and, with the cat out of the bag, our advice to the Church is: TREAT YO SELF!

  1. The good Costco lasagna for the Ward Christmas Party, instead of that nasty Sam’s Club crap
  2. Maybe like, a few new foldable plastic tables under the stage in the gym?
  3. Entire temple to be gold plated, not just Angel Moroni
  4. Harvard to become BYU-Massachusetts
  5. Church makes up the difference for anyone short on a full tithe
  6. Express recommend security lines at temples
  7. Friends of Scouting becomes Friends With Benefits of Scouting
  8. Three hour block, but one of the hours is outsourced to professional worshippers in India
  9. Upgraded weaponry to help Defend the Family
  10. We finally just buy the entire state of Missouri

Honorable Mentions:

  • Lasers installed at Conference Center for Laser MoTab Friday Nights
  • Padded folder chairs for all!
  • Paid Home Teachers Ministers
  • Sacrament bread –> Cinnabon
  • New Business Class section of Celestial Kingdom for Elite Members
  • Church buys Mr. Mac, provides crappy suits for all missionaries free of charge
  • Diamond-crusted missionary name tags



  1. Er. I’m not sure whether to laugh or be a bit offended. You make salient points, even if they are overtly sarcastic and kinda rude. Cinnabon? Will you offer a gluten free alternative as some of my own ward members are gluten intolerant…. the entirely gold temple? Fie. Didn’t something really bad happen to those folks who were wandering after Moses and made up an entirely gold calf? Buying Missouri ain’t a bad idea at all as real estate is always a good investment….Harvard? Well if they get enough donations, maybe they’ll change the name. I mean the Delta Center *koff koff* Sprint or Vivant Center/basketball arena place or whomever they are today and Dirk’s Field *koff koff* Smith’s Field or Franklin-Covey/baseball field will for a whopping financial consideration…. I’m glad some Mormons have a keen sense of the absurd. You win.

  2. Outbid AT&T for the naming rights to the Cowboys Stadium to be hereafter known as the Religious Free-Dome.

  3. Not a Cougar says:

    Embeecee, I have some real estate in Southern Arizona I would LOVE to sell you.

  4. I second the vote to outsource the third hour of church :)

  5. I’d really rather have a decent HVAC system.

  6. Ooo. Opportunity knock-eth. My auntie lives down that way actually. She likes it…

  7. damsel fly says:

    African members get half off tithing to seed their futures.

  8. jaxjensen says:

    How did outsourcing the 3rd hour not make #1?

    But really, is anyone surprised or offended that the church is doing well financially?

  9. I just want new vacuum cleaners and a substantial supply of replacement bags. If we can’t hire janitors at least give us working equipment.

  10. In no particular order:
    HVAC that works
    Cinnabon or better, and grape juice
    WiFi (to homes as well as church buildings–“membership has its privileges”)

    And, for real, buildings and services and translations and transportation and assistance and etc. in developing countries.

  11. Ryan Mullen says:

    “is anyone surprised or offended that the church is doing well financially?”

    jaxjensen, I certainly don’t take it for granted. We’ve been (nearly) bankrupt more than once…

  12. Amen, Starfoxy!

  13. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Shouldn’t temple recommends now be laminated, with security features such as ultraviolet ink, holograms of the three Nephites, and RFID access at the doors? No more slips of paper that self-destruct after 2 uses, and lonely temple workers half-asleep at the desk.

  14. pconnornc says:

    Malachi 3:10 says tithing is moral – are we now being critical of President Nelson for telling anyone that obeying commandments will bring blessings?

  15. Paul Ritchey says:

    Can we now afford oxen and wagons for Trek, instead of poverty-carts?

  16. Can’t believe you missed the better joke with #7: “Stanford to become the BYU of the West.”

  17. Mark B. says:

    No, Wilton, your questions are unreasonable.

  18. No joke. How about we hire professional janitors.

  19. 1. Paid custodial and groundskeeping for all chapels. A perfect way to provide income for those without other means. And reduces the burden on ward members to clean the chapel every week.

  20. Lolz @ John Wilton and others trying to ‘earnestly discuss’ the Church’s wealth. Get outta here with that.

  21. Concern trolling at it finest.

  22. Angela C says:

    This post reminds me why I love BCC so hard.

  23. President Nel”t”son. There, fixed it for JW.

  24. Happy Hubby says:

    What about getting enough internet bandwidth for my chapel.

  25. Heptaparaparshinokh says:

    Happy Hubby, shouldn’t blocking most streaming services do the job?

  26. Aussie Mormon says:

    As others have said, paying cleaners for the meetinghouses again. Heck you could even pay out of work members to do it if you don’t want outside people involved.

  27. JedisForJesus says:

    Paid ward choir.

  28. I love the idea of a paid ward choir! Every time I mention attending mass in downtown slc many Mormons are happy to inform me that the choir is mostly Mormon… apparently that is where all the choral singers are, let’s bring them back!

  29. Paid clergy! …wait, we already have that (CES).

  30. Bruised, broken, yet at peace says:

    I’m deeply offended by this post. I’m on a low carb diet, so can’t we substitute quail for nutrition free white bread? And let’s go back to wine of our making. Or so we still claim Jesus made alcohol free sparkling grape juice?

    And why stop at outsourcing 3rd hour? Let’s be efficient and drop 2nd hour as well. Better yet, stream sacrament meeting and save on building costs.

    And how about an Alaskan style rebate on all heavenly taxes. That should stimulate greater investment in the wall between the Telestial and Terrestrial kingdoms (don’t want the murderers and rapists getting across the border into mediocre land (Making the Terrestrial Kingdom Luke Warm Again)).

  31. Trash all the crapy electronic organs and replace them with real pipe organs.

  32. Oh, yes, please, Bill Lund.

  33. Bottled water for the sacrament. I’m not saying it has to be perrier, but would a flat of Costco water bankrupt us? Arizona tap water is awful. And when I lived in SLC our charming 1920s building plumbing was such that if they forgot to run the water for a few minutes before filling the trays, it tasted like glue. I always pray that blessing and sanctifying the water make it taste better, but so far all I’ve gotten is not being lethal.

  34. Aussie Mormon says:

    Maybe just get water filters installed Cath.

  35. Father’s lounge complete with big screen tv, reclining chairs, and snack bar in every building.

  36. Heptaparaparshinokh says:

    Proper insulation and HVAC at every meetinghouse worldwide, and above all rooftop solar panels and solar carports at every meetinghouse between 45 N and 45 S latitude. Proper stewardship of Creation, y’know? The LDS meetinghouse, complete with a mobile phone transmitter built into the steeple, can be the cornerstone of a microgrid in rural villages and informal urban settlements in the developing world: “Light the World” taken to the next level.

    And then make Moroni part of a Tesla coil on certain temples, just because. (I want to see, uh, “divine lightning” incinerate that stupid billboard next to the LA Temple that always has trashy ads on it.)

  37. Heptaparaparshinokh says:

    Bill Lund: or, replace ’em all with tube-driven tonewheel Hammonds, with rotary speakers in all four corners of the chapel and a gigantic subwoofer under the rostrum. Basically, turn every hymn into a Deep Purple song.

  38. Heptaparaparshinokh says:

    (Just make sure to replace any tubes that have gone microphonic. Before we had a proper meetinghouse with all the customary Church-provided equipment, the branch in which I grew up had an old A- or M-series Hammond, which sounded awesome but had a microphonic power tube that tended to feed back right in the middle of the sacrament prayer. Because it took a minute to warm up, the organ couldn’t be shut off between hymns. But hey, we at least had our own building, and it only smelled bad when it’d been raining a while and the basement flooded.)

  39. Skywarp says:

    Yes bring back the janitors! The chapels are a mess. 4 wards in a building destroys the chapels.

  40. Geoff - Aus says:

    Our Stake has 5 wards and one branch. We have one ward size building, built in the 1950s. It has air conditioning but no thermostat, so just gets colder.
    We are regularly told the church can not afford land for more buildings. Not credible.

    I think it would be good for the church finance mortgages for members. We should be good risks.

  41. Fairchild says:

    My almost 30 year old building needs the bathrooms and kitchen gutted and remodeled. They are both so grungy no amount of weekend cleaning helps. We are embarrassed to bring visitors in case they need to use the permanently stinky, gross ladies bathroom.

  42. Ooh, Hepta, I could get behind Hammonds with Leslie speakers! (And, to maximize the benefits, maybe a new hymnbook and copies of a couple Booker T or Jimmy Smith albums for all church members!)

  43. Fred VII says:

    Dividends for active members.

  44. Discounts at all the businesses the church owns.

  45. HokieKate says:

    I want pews. We don’t have any in our building.

    And paid janitors, of course. And money for Activity Days / YW.

  46. Come on, folks, let’s quit thinking small. With the amount of cash this church has, it should outbid the Koch brothers for control of the government, kick Trump out, and replace him with Jeff Flake (since the Brethren would never go for Bernie). And let’s get rid of Orrin while we’re at it.

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