Abrahams, Ranked

It’s been a while since we ranked something, Steve tells me. How about Abrahams? Why? Why not?

As always, these rankings are definitive.

    1. F. Murray Abraham
    2. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter
    3. Abra (Pokemon)
    4. Abraham the Barbarian
    5. Abe Vigoda
    6. Abradolf Lincler
    7. Abraham Lincoln, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
    8. Abe Maisel
    9. Spider-(Abra)ham
    10. Abraham Lincoln, President

I just realized I didn’t include Abraham from the Bible. Oops. So,
5. (tie) Abraham from the Bible


  1. Oh, THAT Abraham

  2. Y know, the father of many nations and stuff

  3. Let’s be honest Lincler and Bill & Ted Abe are easily the champions here.

  4. B&T AL FTW!!

  5. “Be excellent to each other…and party on dudes!” – If that’s not pure religion I don’t know what is.

  6. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    Ummm…Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago.

  7. @turtle he’s fictitious, unlike the others we ranked

  8. Thanks. I’ve also been thinking it’s been too long since we were blessed with such rankings. I’m surprised #4 wasn’t your #1. But actually, I don’t know a lot of these apes, er Abes. More than one of them has been accused of being a barbarian, however.

    “George Templeton Strong, a prominent New York lawyer and diarist, wrote that [Abraham] Lincoln was ‘a barbarian, Scythian, yahoo, or gorilla.’” Mark Bowden, The Atlantic June 2013

    “… astral wisdom [,] the domain of ancient ‘barbarian’ nations, … shaped Hellenistic Jewish traditions that celebrate Abraham’s astronomical/astrological skill.” Annette Reed Journal for the Study of Judaism … Vol 35, No. 2

    So, I haven’t yet even figured out who #7 is.

    Rank on. It’s probably important to all our education.

  9. My question is which of these is most committed to defending the family.

  10. A Turtle Named Mack says:

    He’s real to me!

  11. lastlemming says:

    Abraham Zapruder (or is he fictional too?)

  12. #2 Abraham Jonas: Friend to your #1 and IL politician. Grand Master of the grand lodge of IL who installed a lodge of Freemasonry in Nauvoo.

  13. “Scythian” is a greatly underused epithet.

  14. You forgot melted Abraham Lincoln from Gravity Falls!

  15. What about Abraham Simpson? I call foul!

  16. “It’s understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate a person like yourself.” – fake Abe Frohman, Sausage King of Chicago

  17. Also Abraham signer of the Morrill Act in 1862, creating a system of land-grant colleges and universities that revolutionized higher education in the United States. Same Abraham who established the National Academy of Sciences. Just might be the same Abraham currently ranked #1.

  18. I am disappointed that Abe Saperstein, founder of the Harlem Globetrotters, didn’t make the list. But mostly I want to know the answer to John C.’s question.

  19. This list is not very culturally diverse.

  20. No Abraham Smoot, noted slavemaster? Also had something to do with the Y

  21. How about the Abraham O. Smoot building, as opposed to the slaveholder, before the 2000’s when you could run down the quad and see Brigham Young perform the funky chicken.

  22. No Abe Sapien? Also Bill & Ted’s Lincoln should be higher.

  23. Not a Cougar says:

    Honorable mention: M1 Abrams main battle tank

  24. Larry the Cable-Guy says:

    This poll needs Abraham Maslow.

  25. Abe Simpson should be very highly ranked.

    Also probably not top 10 but Honorable Mention:

    Father Abraham, who had seven sons, and never laughed nor did he cry, but he did go like this.

  26. Talon, Turtle, I think you are trying to find the “actual” #1 Abraham. But he’s not here. He’s a fry cook on Venus. All these Abes are Earth based.

  27. nobody, really says:

    You seem to have left Bram Stoker off the list. I’m not sure who raised you, but they must have a deep sense of shame and regret.

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