Abrahams, Ranked

It’s been a while since we ranked something, Steve tells me. How about Abrahams? Why? Why not?

As always, these rankings are definitive.
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The Great Tragedy

I gave this talk in Sacrament meeting this past Sunday. A few people in attendance asked for a copy, and suggested posting it somewhere where others could find it.

When my wife and I were in college, we became close friends with another couple from our stake—Rich and Angie [Note: Names changed for privacy reasons]. I had met Rich through work, but we became fast friends and ended up in the same stake as them, and our friendship grew closer and closer over time. Eventually they moved away after graduation, but we kept up a tradition of spending Thanksgiving with them for many years afterwards. One year, as Rich and I were watching a movie late at night, he told me that he had been struggling with his relationship with the church for some time, asked me if I would be willing to talk about it with him. I was happy to, of course, and he explained how he no longer believed many things he previously believed, and that he didn’t really know what to do about it. He asked me why I believed some of the things I believed. [Read more…]

People at BCC Who Should Not Rank Things, Ranked

Steve woke me up with an early-morning text message yesterday. He was in a state of shock and panic because someone–some “Carolyn“–had apparently ranked something at BCC. I didn’t take his message seriously at the time, because I didn’t believe anyone would dare trespass on my intellectual property. I was wrong!

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Upgrades the Church Should Totally Go For Now That Everyone Knows We’re Loaded, Ranked.

As you likely have heard by now, the Church recently published an explainer of how it uses its funds. You should read it! Mormon Leaks also released info showing that the Church has a butt-load of investments and cash on hand (SHOCKER!). In any case, Steve and I were talking and, with the cat out of the bag, our advice to the Church is: TREAT YO SELF!

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Holiday Gift Giving PSA #1 – Nerf Guns

Is it Christmas season yet?

[checks calendar; sees it’s not December yet; proceeds anyway]

We at BCC care about you and your loved ones, and we love Christmas. Gifts are an important part of the season, and should be selected with care and consideration to ensure that the gifts are top-notch and fulfill their purpose. Lifting spirits and spreading love are noble goals, of course. But focusing on these ideals ignores the TRUE meaning of Christmas, which is about getting your kids to leave you alone for a few hours, for crying out loud. [Read more…]

Bigs, Ranked

Do you ever feel like Big Industry is just out to get you? Like all the dang time? Steve and I sure do. And trust us–there are a LOT of Bigs out there to beware of.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Trek Re-Enactments We’d Like to See, Ranked

It’s summer! It’s time to dust off the pioneer clothes! It’s time to walk some miles with carts! It’s time for well-intentioned stake leaders to pretend to be a mob and wake you up in the morning with gunfire! It’s time to explain in Sacrament meeting that you “get” your pioneer ancestors now! It’s TREK SEASON!

Steve and I were thinking about this and considered what sort of Trek Re-Enactments we’d really like to see.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Useless Bloggernacle Topics, Ranked

Angel As is so often the case, Steve and I were recently pondering the truly important questions of life, like whether it would be better to be a vampire or pirate. Anyway, with that issue settled, we moved on to deciding where all of you people waste the most time on the Mormon internets.

As always, these rankings are authoritative.
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Presses, Ranked

Do you have an idea, but you’re so slow in getting around to it that you feel sort of stupid continuing it? But you also can’t convince yourself to let it go, so you do it anyway? That’s sort of how I feel right now. A few weeks ago, Steve and I decided that the Time Was Right for a ranking of all the important types of presses in this world. It was an appropriate revelation to seek, given the other announcement around that time. But shortly after we received our inspiration, disaster struck–things at work went crazy and caused me all manner of stress and distractions, and our once-timely ranking was forgotten. By me, anyway. But Steve never forgets. He never, ever forgets, people.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Lesson 12: “The Gathering of My People” #DandC2017

Did you know that I was originally supposed to do last week’s lesson (“The Field is White Already to Harvest”)? But I was traveling in India with my wife and couldn’t get around to it in time, so Stapley did it instead. So if you were not pleased with that lesson’s write-up, you should think long and hard about whether I am to blame or whether Stapley is to blame. If you also hate this week’s write-up, then maybe you should think about getting your lesson write-ups elsewhere.
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Things We’re Doing to Avoid Thinking About Donald Trump, Ranked

Are you tired of Donald Trump? Tired of hearing about him? Tired of reading about him? Tired of arguing about him with your weird Uncle Rick? Yeah, same goes for me. And Steve, too. But also tired of coming to the realization that being tired of it isn’t an option, because it’s important? Yeah, us too.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Things Mormons Would End Up Doing in Westworld, Ranked

Do you watch Westworld? I don’t, but Steve does and he says it’s great and he’s never wrong (I guess?). It’s about a place where there are human-looking robots that are available for people to hunt or kill or do whatever to without consequence. SOUNDS FUN. Even though visits to this place aren’t technically forbidden by the TR questions, it seems pretty clear that it’s not a place for the devout Latter-day Saint. But would a Mormon even have fun there, anyway? Steve and I considered this question, and the answer heavily depends on what you’d call “fun.”

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Diluted Mormon Versions of WWJD?, Ranked

I’ve always felt like the only thing we lack as a church is a really great acronym that would immediately communicate to everyone inside and outside the church how cool we are and how great it is to be a part of us. “Your abbreviations are so hip and efficient! Do you have a pamphlet I can read?” This is an area where I feel like evangelical Christians have clearly outdone us. It’s not too late, though!

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Forms of Being Broke, Ranked

Apparently there are some super-boring videos on the YoobTube these days in which some LDS Church leaders are overhead using the term “Church Broke.” This has inevitably led to much speculation about the true meaning of the term, and Steve and I decided the time was right to seek revelation on the matter. Unfortunately, the inspiration didn’t clarify the phrase in question, but instead just highlighted many other forms of being Broke that we humans are likely to encounter during our mortal sojourn.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

U2 Albums, Ranked

It is GENERALLY true that Steve and I are of one mind, not just with respect to the revelations we receive pertaining to Things, Ranked, but also with respect to the Rankable Things we seek revelation on. But every now and then, one of us feels the (probably unrighteous) desire to pursue our own agenda, and we end up ranking things that clearly have nothing to do with our personal salvation. For example, earlier today, Steve decided that U2’s discography needed to be ranked.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Alternative Expressions to Great and Abominable, Ranked

You ever just get a hankering to rank stuff? Yeah, Steve and I got that hankering last night. And we surrendered to it. Big Time.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

The Warld has Turned and Left Me Here

I’ve lived in the same ward for about 10 years, and made some amazing friends along the way. Not only have these guys been great friends for me personally, they have almost all been married to women who are close friends with my wife AND have children that have formed years-long friendships with my kids. Mind you, these haven’t been just casual, at-church friends, either: I’m talking about people with whom we’ve taken vacations, watched Star Wars, shared more meals than I can count, and generally reached the level of friendship where we can talk about the boobs, the butts, the farts, and the poops without hesitation. It’s been a couple-dating utopia! Then, over the past 4 weeks, suddenly and without (much) warning, my ward (and life) went through the Scottpocalypse, as each and every one of these people moved away. [Read more…]

Rough Draft Commandments, Ranked

Ranking stuff in sets of 10 seems normal and natural for us now, but that’s because we have thousands of years of conditioning that all started with the very first list of Stuff, Ranked–the 10 Commandments. Since Moses went up the mountain, mankind has continually ranked things in sets of 10 (though most of these rankings are non-authoritative and therefore wrong). But you probably didn’t even know that the 10 Commandments were actually the result of a negotiation between God and Moses; God wanted to give more commandments; Moses didn’t want to carve too much stuff in rocks. That’s right, folks–the 10 Commandments are just a compromise of divine counsel and human laziness. Had Moses not been so adamant, we would have had a much longer list of commandments, and the history of ranking stuff would have been fundamentally different. Steve and I aren’t sure exactly how many commandments were in the original draft, but we know it was at least 21. We also don’t know whether revealing these missing commandments causes them to be binding on all mankind for the rest of eternity.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

People in the Book of Mormon, Ranked

You know what is a pretty good book of scripture? The Book of Mormon. It has some great gospel teachings in it. You know what else it has in it? People–lots of them! Some people in the Book of Mormon are really important, and some people are sort of forgettable. You’ve probably wondered who is the most important, and Steve and I sought revelation on this very matter.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Codes, Ranked

After the snot-nosedness from some of the commenters last week–suggesting that The Process is somehow non-revelatory in nature–Steve and I decided that you’ll no longer be treated with clear insights into how stuff gets Ranked. Anyway, all of the talk recently about Honor Codes led us to seek inspiration on the true ranking of Codes.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Councils, Ranked

We’re going to give you a peek into The Process today: How stuff gets ranked. I’m going to lift the veil of secrecy and show the names of who lists what, and how we hash out our differences, with time stamps and everything. You won’t be disappointed.

As always, these rankings are authoritative. [Read more…]

Things About Candy That Make Me Mad, Ranked

It’s been a long time since we ranked stuff! I apologize for that! With our ranking muscles kind of flabby, Steve and I had a pretty hard time ranking stuff today. Here are some of our failed efforts before we finally found our stride today:

  • Things That I’m Stressed About, Ranked

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Stuff I’d Buy If I Won The Lottery, Ranked

Because we know you’re all playing the LotteryBall tonight, Steve and I thought we’d put together a short list of what we plan to buy when we win tonight.

As always, these rankings are authoritative.
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The BCC Hall of Fame

During 2015, BCC turned 10 11 years old. BCC is not a band–trust me when I say that it is NOT for lack of trying–but if it was, it would be time for a Greatest Hits album. Is much of what is found in the archives of this blog garbage? Probably. Are there some things that are worth remembering? Certainly. But this post is not about any of that stuff. No, this post is about the elite. The very best. The Posts Whose Calling and Election Has Been Made Internet Sure. The Only Comments With Which The Steve Is Well Pleased. My Internet Brothers and Sisters, we henceforth establish the By Common Consent Hall of Fame. [Read more…]

How Many Days It Will Take Until It Feels Okay To Crack A Joke Again, Ranked

As always, these rankings are authoritative.
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I Have A Question: Can You Break Commandments in the Holodeck?

Our semi-regular feature at BCC, in which we answer questions from our readers and then Rank stuff. Have a question you want us to answer? Send us an email!

Your questions have been burning a hole in our inbox. We must answer.

If I’m walking across the BYU campus in the morning when the national anthem plays over the speakers, do I really have to stop walking and put my hand over my heart?

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If You Like Trunk-or-Treats You Probably Don’t Have a Testimony

Because it is Halloween time again, I’ve decided to re-post this important message. The comments to this post are among the most beloved treasures in BCC history, and worthy of your consideration.

Holy crap Trunk-or-Treats are the worst thing in the world and if you believe Trunk-or-Treats are consistent with the Gospel, you are wrong.

E.T. Trick or Treating

What is the point of a Trunk-or-Treat, anyway? When I was a kid and this societal cancer first reached my awareness, I understood that it was born of concern about poisoned candies and apples with razor blades and other dangerous crap that Big Mom was worried about. It probably got its start from the movie E.T., when that punk Elliot didn’t come home on time and Gertie was going on and on to the police officer about her dad being in Mexico with his lover. Halloween + Adultery + Space Aliens = NO MORE TRICK OR TREATING. So, instead of sending the kids out on the streets at night like rational human beings, we line everyone up in a parking lot and distribute candy like it’s freaking Hamsterdam. [Read more…]

I Have A Question: What The Heck Is Canadian Thanksgiving, Anyways?

Our semi-regular feature at BCC, in which we answer questions from our readers and then Rank stuff. Have a question you want us to answer? Send us an email! Your questions have been burning a hole in our inbox. We must answer.

Hi Guys,

So, I’ve heard a lot lately, too much, really, about how I must, we must, one must Defend the Family. From you all too. But when I press for particulars I get either, you know, make my gay friends sad, hurt, and angry or else mumbled non-answers, and sideways glances. If I’m very lucky, I might get a tip o’ the hat to good ol’ fashion gender roles, but though everybody with a podium from the Tabernacle to the Bloggernacle seems to feel that the necessity of a good familial defense is a truth universally acknowledged, people are so, so cagey about the details. Moats? Zone? Alekhine’s? Groucho glasses?

Heed the counsel given in the war chapters of the Book of Mormon. [Read more…]

I Have a Question: Will Lame Talk Intros Ever End?

Our semi-regular feature at BCC, in which we answer questions from our readers and then Rank stuff. Have a question you want us to answer? Send us an email!  We can’t do this column without you.  Actually, I guess we could.

You can drop three hymns from the hymnbook, and you can add three hymns in their place. Which do you drop/add and why?

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I Have a Question: How do you get banned from speaking in Sacrament meeting?

Our semi-regular feature at BCC, in which we answer questions from our readers and then Rank stuff. Have a question you want us to answer? Send us an email!

What would someone have to say during a talk or testimony to get escorted off the stand and not allowed to speak again? I’m not talking blatantly speaking against the church or preaching false doctrine, but here are some hypotheticals: Talking too candidly about their own transgressions; outing another ward member on a serious transgression; direct MLM pitch over the pulpit; threatening to physically harm President Obama (I wonder if this one has occurred and gone unchecked); quoting an R-rated movie … with the attendant R-rated language.

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