By Common Consent, a Mormon Blog
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The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints just published a glossy series of 90-second explanations of our core temple practices.
I’m amazed at how much demystifying content these videos succeed in outlining in less than seven minutes of total video time.
Here are the highlights.
Rebekah Perkins Crawford is a visiting professor in Social and Public Health at Ohio University. She has a PhD in Health Communication.
The recent tragic suicide of a BYU student has prompted conversations about the relationship between religiosity and mental health, about whether Latter-day Saints have a problem with suicide, and, if we do, what our response should be.
Experts (especially at BYU) have consistently claimed that LDS religious practice is positively associated with mental health. Such claims are based on studies that average difference, homogenize experience, and oversimplify a complex issue. [Read more…]
Last weekend, we were in Salem, Massachusetts taking a two hour walking tour with a local guide. The focus was on overall history of Salem, not just the witch trials, but we did talk about those because it’s kind of the elephant in the room. But our guide was not one of the occultist ones, although my SIL had some good reasons to believe he was secretly a Witch. [1]
Toward the end of the tour, we passed a statue to that most famous of Witches: Samantha Stevens. This reminded me of a simpler time, when the most heated discussion around the Thanksgiving table was Samantha or Jeannie. [Read more…]
I’m married! Which means some of my acquaintances have mysteriously stopped calling me “Carolyn Homer” and started calling me variations on “Mrs. Carolyn Jones.”
My name has not changed. It will not change. I am “Carolyn Homer” for life. I anticipate and will be amused by occasional mix-ups — but my name is my name. Names matter.
Hopefully my decision is no longer viewed as a big deal. But I’ve gotten a bit of pushback from more conservative/traditional corners, including from within the Church. So for slightly whimsical explanatory sake, here are the reasons why I’m keeping my name, ranked.
15. Jones is a boring last name. It’s a Top 5 most common surname in America, held by millions. I am not a boring person.
14. I never want to be the target of a “keeping up with the Joneses” joke. Ever. [Read more…]
With the Vatican’s approval, I’m marrying my Catholic fiancé in St. Mary’s Basilica in Old Town Alexandria this Saturday. Yay! I’m so excited to celebrate true love, surrounded by my family and friends.
Some of those family and friends are a little befuddled. As a former hyper-devoted Mormon, I can see the confusion in their eyes, the unstated curiosity about why I’m not marrying in the temple. Only a few have ventured to ask the question directly.
I believe it is important to give an honest answer. This is my story. [Read more…]
Laura Brignone Bhagwat is a Ph.D. candidate at the University of California, Berkeley where she studies technology and domestic violence. Her dissertation tracks a public health intervention in hospital emergency rooms meant to prevent intimate partner homicide.
Abuse is the neglect or mistreatment of others (such as a child or spouse, the elderly, the disabled, or anyone else) in such a way that causes physical, emotional, or sexual harm. It goes against the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form.
‘The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form’ (Handbook 1: Stake Presidents and Bishops [2010], 17.3.2). Abuse violates the laws of God and may also be a violation of the laws of society. The Lord expects us to do all we can to prevent abuse and to protect and help those who have been victims of abuse. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior.
At 12:05 yesterday, I was driving to lunch when a message from a friend popped up on my phone. It consisted of six exclamation points (“!!!!!!”) and the text “abuse.lds.org.” Within 15 seconds I’d pulled over and clicked on the link. [Read more…]
Dave K. has been ‘gathered to the Ohio’ for nearly fifteen years, where he lives with his wife and five children. A data privacy attorney by trade, his goal is to take the children to every MLB ballpark before they leave home; twenty-nine down and Seattle to go.
My two oldest sons returned home unusually late Saturday evening. They were performing at a regional high-school band competition and rain delayed the start. One is a senior who plays trombone; the other a sophomore who plays trumpet. Meanwhile, my wife and two daughters also returned late from the General Women’s Session (we live in the Midwest and they drove an hour to watch the session with family). It used to be the first Saturday evening in October was reserved for the General Priesthood Session. I understand the Church’s need to streamline things, but I miss the fellowship and brotherhood tradition of holding that session each conference.
This all resulted in an unusual evening of just me and son-number-three. My third son is thirteen, so not yet in the high school band. I let him choose the special ‘guy’s night’ activity. No surprise there – he picked the latest Jurassic Park movie. I defended the choice by noting the rental was only $1.50 at Redbox. Ten minutes into it I realized $1.50 was still grossly overpriced. [Read more…]
Bobbie Smith is a returned missionary, BYU graduate, and mother of a large family in the northeastern United States with a literal and metaphorical oversized heart. Said heart greatly affects the nature of her religious worship, community service, and housework.
Ten men (if I counted right) attended the General Women’s Session this past weekend and three men spoke. As I watched them take up more than half of our meeting, I thought of how few women are invited to speak in General Conference. I thought of the women denied permission to even attend priesthood session. Yet the men invite themselves not only to attend our women’s session, they also dominate the dais and they dominate the speaking roster. Was it even a women’s meeting, really? It was more of a combined “sister and priesthood meeting” this year, really, when you consider the gender breakdown of talks and the gender count of who was on the stand. These were sobering thoughts.
I crave women’s voices. In my lifetime in the Midwest, we’ve never had a sister church authority visit us, ever. Our only options for help with callings, family life, and personal growth have been “Time Out For Women,” which is expensive and kind of smacks of priestcraft. I’ve never understood why the brethren get flown out on the church’s dime, yet I need to buy tickets to an expensive program if I want to hear guidance from female church leaders. I hoped the Women’s Session would provide a chance for some empathetic instruction, and instead the time was consumed by men.
Dear Elder Holland,
A week ago I expressed concern with your Facebook post that included some marriage advice. I was most concerned about how victims of abuse would hear rhetoric that “you can make the marriage you want” and “your priesthood leaders will know” when “there is a legitimate exception” justifying divorce.
Yesterday, I was grateful for your talk on peace. Christ is the Prince of Peace, the source of healing for all pain and for all contention. We should live together in love, and seek forgiveness and reconciliation with our imperfect brothers and sisters. This is a core gospel truth.
Amidst this message on peace, I appreciated that you acknowledged what healing and forgiveness is, and what it isn’t. [Read more…]
We’ve all seen Catholic confession in movies and TV shows. It’s a situation that we might liken to our own worthiness interviews, and yet there are some significant differences in purpose, theological implications, and in how the act is understood by believers. [Read more…]
On Monday, I got an email from HR reminding me that, as part of the school’s Harassment Prevention & Business Skills initiative, I needed to complete an online Sexual Harassment for Employees course.
I did it that same day, largely because if I don’t get to a work email almost immediately, it can slip out of my mind. And I prefer not to forget to do things that are required for my employment.
The training was basically a series of videos essentially aimed at letting us know what constitutes sexual harassment, with the dual purpose of ensuring that (1) if we’re harassed, we understand our rights and what we can and should do about it, and (2) we don’t do things that constitute sexual harassment. After watching the videos, I had to take a short multiple choice quiz to pass the course. All in all, it took something less than half an hour to complete. [Read more…]
The first time I heard the word “masturbation,” I was 12 years old and sitting in my bishop’s office.
I believe we were discussing a limited use recommend for an upcoming temple trip. I remember the bishop walking through the 1990 version of For the Strength of Youth, which used a lot of large, sexual words I did not know — like “petting” and “perversion” and “pornography.”
My bishop defined them for me. When he realized I had no idea what he was talking about, he apologized. He explained how due to the evils of the world, children were getting exposed to sex and having their innocence corrupted by Satan younger and younger. As much as he hated the topic, he felt like it was his pastoral duty to make sure the youth knew what constituted sin.
Kaylee McElroy only wears sensible shoes (if she has to wear shoes at all) and is passionate about pants with functional pockets (even her Sunday slacks). She has degrees in physics and electrical engineering, but has spent the last few years as a rather alarmingly domesticated mostly-stay-at-home mom.
Proverbs 31 holds a special place in my heart. I found it using the “open the scriptures to a random page” method, and marveled at the wonderful and rare picture of a strong, capable woman. You see, I had been praying to know if I should get engaged to the man I now call my husband, and I felt a strong impression that a marriage with him would allow me to become a capable and praiseworthy wife like the woman depicted in the text. (We’re over a decade in, and I’d still call it a good choice.)
The Proverbs 31 woman is empowered and not oppressed. A while ago, I read a book that challenged my thinking of women’s place in ancient societies. Women’s Work – the First 20,000 Years discusses textile manufacture in a variety of ancient cultures. The Bronze Age in the Near East was a time and place of relatively great freedom for women, and I was delighted to learn that the woman of Proverbs 31, while certainly idealized, was also based on historical norms. [Read more…]
Rebekah Perkins Crawford has a PhD in Communication Studies from Ohio University. Her research centers on the ways religious communities communicate about mental health, sexuality, and sexual violence. Her favorite calling at church is the primary chorister and she loves reading, gardening, and exercising in her spare time.
My friend who sings with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir recently told me about his experience performing with the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus on their recent tour in June. A considerate, thoughtful man, he said, “It was great to share the stage with them, to build bridges between our two communities and to show the world that there doesn’t have to be animosity between the Latter-day Saints and LGTBQ folks.”
It wasn’t until later that evening, after our conversation, that I figured out what it was about his statement that had unsettled me. It bothered me that his words assumed that the Latter-day Saint and LGBTQ communities were two separate entities, that “they” were gay while “we” were Mormon. [Read more…]
For as much as Mormons appropriate from evangelicals, I’m surprised we’ve never stolen the Proverbs 31 woman.
In A Year of Biblical Womanhood, Rachel Held Evans dedicates a chapter to the evangelical emphasis on Proverbs 31 as a guide to all things righteous feminine. “Visit a Christian bookstore, and you will find entire women’s sections devoted to books that extol her virtues and make them applicable to modern wives. At my Christian college, guys described their ideal date as a ‘P31 girl,” and young women looking to please them held a ‘P31 Bible Study.’” The Proverbs 31 woman “looms so large over the biblical womanhood ethos” that many Christian view the passage “as a task list” to which they must comply in order to become perfect housewives and win the favor of men. [Read more…]
JD is a gay man in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — and he still attends!
He could still really use a friend there. His colorful church socks get lonely too. This piece is a follow up to a previous one Part 1.
Last month, I wrote about my struggles as a gay man in the Church. There, like everywhere, my LGBTQ friends and I have received numerous pieces of repetitive advice. As we approach the end of Pride, I want to provide my reactions to some common themes.
Until we consider the real implications of our statements, actions, and policies, we are not prepared to minister to our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. [Read more…]
In every singles ward I’ve ever attended, there have been predators.
Often they are charming, talented, witty men. Often they are proactive about quoting prophets and volunteering for service projects and asking women on dates. To their fellow Elders Quorumites, the predators are often indistinguishable from ordinary Priesthood holders.
But women suspect trouble. Stories of terrible dates, of over-aggressive advances, of nasty breakups and refusing to respect boundaries, quietly percolate among Relief Societies. When these women see a creepy or known threat approaching a friend, they quietly pull her aside and whisper a word of warning. [Read more…]
Lily Darais is a mother of four living in Orem, UT. She earned a B.A. from Michigan State University, a Masters of Education from Harvard, and has earned a diploma in culinary arts. She currently spends most of her time trying to keep her toddler and baby alive and begging her older kids to practice their instruments. The following is the Mother’s Day talk she gave yesterday.
The Apricot Blossom
“I am a child of God” is such an obviously loving statement that even–and perhaps especially–children can sing “I am a child of God” with fervent, joyful understanding. While the words, “I am a child of God,” function as a holy affirmation for all of us, they are also more than an affirmation. We can read them as an invitation–to learn more about God, to develop our own divine potential, to consider our utter dependency and also our protected, beloved status. We can even read the words as a gentle rebuke, a reminder to, in the words of President Hinckley, “be a little better.”
Depending on how we read these words, we can be healed, shaped, or driven by our understanding of them.
As I wrote those last words, I happened to glance out of the window at a neighbor’s tree. I am not a tree expert, but the puffy clusters of white blossoms recalled to mind another primary song, this one a little less theologically packed: “Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree.” As I stared at the flowering clusters, I thought of the apricots that will follow in a few short months. I compared myself to an apricot in spring. [Read more…]
The #MeToo movement is a stone cut from the mountain of silent victims’ pain, rolling forth to break in pieces the corrupt and powerful institutions of this world.
Abuse is no respecter of victims. Religious and secular, clergy and celebrities, liberal and conservative, rich and poor, women and men. #MeToo stories infect every community — our friends and families, our churches and coworkers. Hypocrisy is rampant.
Victims who speak out are prophets, calling the world to repentance.
The world is listening. You are listening. As #MeToo has erupted, I hear the same questions again and again from concerned observers with desires to help.
I believe victims, I know abuse happens, but I don’t know who they are.
Someone close to me is in a terrible relationship. I’m listening, but I don’t know what to do.
How can I help? [Read more…]
At the close of business today, the Church updated its advice document, “Preventing and Responding to Abuse.” As described by the Deseret News, the major changes are the following language:
• “Members should never be encouraged to remain in a home or situation that is abusive or unsafe.”
• “When a member of a stake presidency or bishopric or another assigned leader meets with a child, youth, or woman, he or she should ask a parent or another adult to be in an adjoining room, foyer, or hall. If the person being interviewed desires, another adult may be invited to participate in the interview. Leaders should avoid all circumstances that could be misunderstood.”
• “Church leaders should never disregard a report of abuse or counsel a member not to report criminal activity to law enforcement personnel.”
• “At least two adults must be present on all church-sponsored activities attended by youth or children.”
These are important changes, and I welcome them. (I wish they had been explicitly stated decades ago, and there’s a lot further to go, but as an initial sign of serious commitment to change, I’ll take it.) [Read more…]
Readings: Genesis 24 – 29.
Introduction: I volunteered to give this lesson for BCC precisely because I’m a temple-divorced, now-engaged-to-a-Catholic Mormon woman. The Old Testament manual instructs teachers “As you discuss the importance of eternal marriage, be sensitive to the feelings of class members who have not been married in the temple or whose parents have not been married in the temple.” But other than that note, it doesn’t provide any practical tips about what that “sensitivity” might look like. I hope here to provide a model for how we can use this episode in Genesis to spark discussion on how everyone can achieve more Christlike relationships, without assuming that all temple marriages are happy, nor that all non-temple marriages are miserable.
Laura Brignone Bhagwat is a Ph.D. candidate at the University of California, Berkeley where she studies technology and domestic violence. Her dissertation tracks a public health intervention in hospital emergency rooms meant to prevent intimate partner homicide.
On a hot summer morning last year, I sat in a small room with fifteen pastors and ministers. Coffee and pastries were tucked into a corner, and the men and women of my county’s Interfaith Coalition to End Domestic Violence were introducing themselves. At the end of introductions, the pastor facilitating the meeting asked: “What are the biggest challenges facing your congregation when it comes to domestic violence?”
The answers started flying. “The abuser is a member of our church board!” “She just keeps going back to him and I don’t know what to do.” “Women in our church are taught to be meek and submissive, so when the abuser tells them something, they think they have no options.” “Victims are often looked down on when they speak out.” “Abusers misuse scripture to justify their actions.” “Even after [theological] seminary, I just don’t feel I have the training I need to respond to this issue.” [Read more…]
One night a decade ago, I sat in a college dorm conducting a Sunday-night Bible study with my boyfriend. We’d been working our way through the letters of Paul, and now were on Ephesians 5. In that passage Paul calls for unity among the saints, and reproves various “unfruitful works of darkness” before reaching a famous passage:
Giv[e] thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. … Let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
The passage didn’t strike me as odd; it seemed to exactly track everything I’d been taught in Young Women: follow the Priesthood. By divine design, men are the heads of households. A husband should love and consult with his wife, but he ultimately presides as the Priesthood Holder in the home. I had learned that even if the husband was falling short in some way, the wife should not undermine his authority, but instead “submit” and “reverence” him even more, in order to inspire him to step up and fulfill the mantle of his Priesthood responsibility. [Read more…]
I am sick of Mormon women not being believed about abuse.
I can’t even count the number of first-hand accounts I’ve heard at this point, and I only started paying attention a few years ago. Easily dozens. Probably hundreds.
But they all go the same way. A Mormon woman is a chaste, obedient, temple-worthy, nurturing woman. She gets married in the temple, moves in with her brand-new husband, and desires to start her eternal family. Within mere weeks or months, it becomes obvious her husband is angry, controlling, and abusive. He usually quotes Church authority about men presiding and women hearkening to justify the behavior.
She doesn’t like it, but she tries to accept it. She has been taught that she must protect her temple marriage above all else. She has been taught that her husband is the leader of the home, and she needs to respect his authority. She has been taught that if she just prays harder, submits harder, follows traditional gender roles harder, the problems will go away.
They don’t go away. They get worse. [Read more…]
What shall we do with the single members?
When I ask this, I mean it quite literally. I do not, as many often do, mean “How shall we get the single members married?” I understand that on a church-wide level, getting singles married is the most desirable outcome, both from a doctrinal and a demographic perspective. Mormons who marry young, to other Mormons, tend to stay Mormon over the long term at much higher rates than those who don’t. Plus there’s that whole “exaltation” thing.
I hate to be the bearer of brutal reality, but . . . no matter what, irrespective of lessons, talks, activities, YSA congregations, church schools, conferences, social pressure, prayers, fasting, shouting or tears . . . some single Mormons will stay single for their entire lives. [Read more…]
Like wage laborers all over the world, I spent most of my waking hours with other people’s kids. I try to compensate by spending “quality” time with my own when I’m at home by setting aside cares and electronic devices and playing, reading and making music, for example. I like to think this engaged approach makes a difference, though of course it’s difficult to measure the overall impact. Actually, that’s not quite true. In one area in particular—language acquisition—the impact has been quite clear: quality is no substitute for quantity. [Read more…]
Christmas gift giving can be the source of stress, disappointment, marital discord, or surprise and joy. Often it is all these things wrapped in one holiday, with a big bow on it. When I was growing up, we opened our family presents on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day was reserved for stockings from Santa (funny how even typing that, my fingers first typed “Satan.”) As I recall, Santa wasn’t a top biller, and he didn’t give presents–just candy in stockings. Parents, the people who actually knew you and cared about you, gave presents–not some random weirdo who lived like a hermit in Superman’s ice cave. Santa was like the bad grandparent, plying you with sweets to keep you quiet, not caring about things like Type 2 Diabetes or what you really wanted for Christmas. [Read more…]
On Halloween earlier this year, I hosted a German-themed party to celebrate the 500-year-anniversary of the Protestant Reformation. I’ve been meaning to do a complete write-up but the time slipped away. Better late than never! I’ve decided to split my write-up into two posts.
First, I’m converting one of the core party activities into a Family Home Evening lesson plan. (Alternatively, use it to occupy your kids and their friends for an afternoon while they’re home from school over Christmas Break!)
Pictured: The Gingerbread Churches made at my Protestant Reformation Party.
Walking out of the Masterpiece Cakeshop argument at the Supreme Court this morning, I encountered a wall of sound. The sidewalk teemed with supporters and protestors, waving placards and flags, as media cameras swarmed. Bakery advocates chanted “Justice for Jack,” while competing chants of “Love Conquers All” erupted on behalf of Charlie Craig and David Mullins.
I love America. What else is free speech, if not the ability to peacefully hold competing rallies on the Supreme Court steps? [Read more…]
red canna, georgia o’keeffe, 1924
It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep. Something woke me up. Something I ate or something I thought or something I hoped when my breath was deep and my eyes were closed or something I lost as my breath became shallow and my eyes flickered. I am either peaceful or discontent or just racked with heartburn.
It can be all three.
That’s allowed.
The baby kicked and I remembered she was there, somewhere inside of me, rolling and sucking and flailing and curling and cushioned and so I am somewhere inside of me, too. If I can sustain her, I suppose I can sustain me.
Nobody tells you that gestation, 40 weeks in the wilderness, is a time of mourning as well as expectation. I am a vessel of birth and so I am a vessel of death. My death. But her death, too.
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